Saturday, March 25, 2006

pivotal disconnects

Em just asked if all mine were crises and I'm not sure. I was just wondering that. A lot of times, yes. Other times no,... or moments that are both horrible and positive. Moments when it becomes clear that meaning is constructed. Where communication seems impossible, but it happens anyway... like Jo launching herself across the hallway in that kiss... Moments where I've broken up a relationship and realize there's a fundamental disconnect between my reality and my partner's, or when I've started a new relationship and a new mutual reality seems to form.

But those moments don't have a "real" meaning and can always be rewritten to mean something else in another context. I get trapped in multiplicity. I get to where I feel that giving too much structure or only one meaning would be fundamentally dishonest. So any memoir I write will have to have layers of revelation and re-evaluation when new things become true without making the old truths false. (This is why I like reading Gene Wolfe's novels, and also I think Timmi Duchamp is doing this very well...)

Perhaps staring up at the stars over Enchanted Rock, lying on top of the rock drifting in and out of sleep with the stars in obvious rotation. Or going through the cave there, completely in the dark, by feel. That comes to mind, but I reject it.

Does the pivotal moment have to be an epiphany? I don't think so, but it's what we seem to turn to first. Moments of evaluation.

Instead, I consider action rather than introspection. I like the idea of fights or Happenings as holders of meaning.

blah blah blah!!!!!!


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